Q: How Can I Help My Child Score Small Wins to Boost Her Confidence?
Small victories breed more victories. Get your child off to a positive, self-confident start by finding small tasks that are easily mastered each morning. The sense of accomplishment will last all day.
This Dear ADHD Family Coach® column was originally written for ADDitude Magazine.
Q: “How can I get my 15 year old to understand that by making her bed every morning she is setting up her first win for the day?” — SydneyMumma
Hi SydneyMumma:
I’m not sure you can. Let me explain. But please understand that I am answering this with very little information on the specifics of how your household is run.
Fun fact #1. I grew up in a house where my mother forbid my sister and me from making our beds in the morning. She believed that after a night’s sleep, the beds needed airing. So covers were folded and left at the very edge of the bed all day. Every day. So the act of making my bed was never an assigned chore or responsibility. I never connected it to the feeling that I had mastered my first win of the day. But please trust me when I say there were plenty of other responsibilities that were expected of me that had the same effect.
[READ: Q: Why Can’t My 10-Year-Old Remember to Make His Bed?]
And that is my point. I wonder if your real goal here is NOT for your daughter to make her bed specifically, BUT to identify a task or two that she can easily accomplish first thing in the morning — thereby allowing her to start her day feeling super successful and ready to conquer the world. After all, small successes breed even more successes!
So fun fact #2. My children did not have to make their beds when they were younger. Since my husband grew up making his and I didn’t, we left it up to them to decide. As you might have guessed, my daughter made hers and my son did not.
[READ: Q: How Do I Improve Communication with My ADHD Teen?]
However, we found other morning responsibilities he could master on his own that set his day up on a positive note. He was expected to get up on his own (a huge victory!!), make breakfast, pack his lunch (or remember the one he packed the night before), and get out the door on time with minimal to no assistance from us. Lots of checkpoints on this list for morning wins!
And fun fact #3. By the time my children reached 15, they were doing their own laundry. Granted, this isn’t a morning win, but any chance I had to give my son (and daughter) a responsibility they could accomplish independently and do well, was a win that lasted all day… and to the next morning!
So perhaps there are other household or personal responsibilities that your daughter can take on to help her feel successful. Does she like to cook? Maybe she helps prepare dinner one or two nights during the week? Does she like to do physical activity? Let her walk the dog in the morning before school. In other words, tap into her strengths and interests to raise her success meter!
[READ: Q: How Can I Motivate My Son In a Positive Way?]
Now, if making beds in your household is “non-negotiable,” then you are going to need to sit down with your daughter to explain to her your point of view, the rules of your home, and the responsibility/consequence pendulum that swings consistently in most households. Make your rules known, be clear and concise, take the emotionality out of the equation, and make sure whatever consequence you propose is appropriate to the situation.
Finally, make sure she knows HOW to make the bed. Yes, I’m serious.
Good Luck!
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