Q: How Do I Teach My Teen Life Skills?
To start teaching your son life skills, pinpoint certain chores or responsibilities he can do that won’t affect anyone else in your home if they’re not completed, such as cleaning his bedroom or doing his laundry.
This Dear ADHD Family Coach® column was originally written for ADDitude Magazine.
Q: “My son will turn 16 soon, and I want to make sure he’s properly prepared to be a responsible young man. We can’t afford an ADHD coach or outside resources to teach him some simple life skills. What should I be thinking about so I can help him learn what he needs?” — Concerned Parent
Hi Concerned Parent:
Teaching life skills is crucial to helping teens with ADHD — actually, all teens — become responsible and self-sufficient individuals. While you may not be able to afford an ADHD coach or outside resources, there are plenty of steps you can take to support your son.
Here are a few thoughtful ideas to help you get started.
Life Skills 101
1. Are You Doing Things Your Son Can Do on His Own?
Be honest with yourself. If so, it’s time to take stock and let go. Swooping in and taking over isn’t doing your son any favors.
While you may feel like you’re helping, you may also be sending him a clear message that he’s incapable. The more our kids hear or think that, the less likely they will rise to the occasion to take care of stuff independently.
[READ: Are My Kids’ Messy Rooms a Sign of Laziness or Weak Executive Functioning Skills?]
I’m not saying this to make you feel bad or, worse, feel like a terrible parent. That could not be further from the truth. As parents, we’re natural fixers and problem solvers. If we’re honest with ourselves, sometimes it’s easier and faster to do things ourselves. It takes a lot of patience and persistence to take a step back so our children can take a step forward. But it’s paramount for their future success.
Tip within a tip: Start letting go of anything you do for him with minimal stakes. Pinpoint certain chores or responsibilities that don’t affect anyone else in your home if they’re not completed or finished “on time.” Having your son be responsible for his own laundry or cleaning his bedroom are perfect examples of “low stakes” responsibilities.
2. Who Is Ultimately Responsible?
Does he get out of bed on his own in the morning? Check! Does he get to school on time with minimal prompting? Check!
Think about it: If everyone around him cares more than he does or works harder than he does, what is the likelihood he’ll put in the necessary work to learn the skill and take ownership of it?
[READ: Should I Let My Teen Procrastinate?]
I know what you’re thinking. On the one hand, you want your son to be independent and do things on his own. On the other, you may fear that, left to his own devices, things may fall through the cracks. Well, that may very well happen. As a parenting coach, I see this emotional tug-of-war firsthand. The important thing to remember is that as long as you’re the one in charge, your son will let you be.
Please know that I’m not asking you to turn over the reins without teaching him the necessary skills to manage them. You must feel confident that he understands what’s being asked of him and knows how to do whatever is asked.
Tip within a tip: Ask your son to perform small daily tasks, such as taking out the trash or filling the dog’s water bowl. Successfully completing small tasks may boost his confidence to tackle more daunting responsibilities.
3. Does Your Son Excel at a Skill?
Here’s why this is so important. Teaching life skills doesn’t have to be boring or heavy-handed. It can be fun and light. So, if your son is a whiz at the guitar or a star baker who whips up fabulous creations in your kitchen, ask him to teach you.
During the pandemic, my son, Eli, taught my husband how to play the ukulele. He made schedules, sketched lesson plans, and even created a practice area in our home. He was using and learning organization, time management, planning, and prioritizing skills in a very organic and creative way.
[READ: How Can I Help My Child Score Small Wins to Boost Her Confidence?]
My best advice is to leave the expiration date off teaching your son life skills. This will only frustrate you if you feel that time is ticking. As a parent of children who are flown and grown and a parenting coach, I feel you never stop teaching life skills to your children! Truly, this is only the beginning.
Good luck!
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